It is ok momma, you can go now, we will be ok I promise.

It is ok momma, you can go now, we will be ok I promise.
Those were the last words I said to my mom as I held her hand and watched them remove her tubes. Its now going on 4 years and it feels like yesterday lately.

I was so busy helping my dad grieve that i didn’t let myself grieve. Then just this year I discovered I was finally grieving my mother through working with plants. This was so huge to me. I felt an inner peace that I haven’t had in a very long time. My panic attacks where I fell to my knees and was suddenly back in that room, watching her gasp for air silently praying for god to just make it all stop, they didn’t happen anymore. I could talk about her and laugh at certain things she would say and do. I have even gotten messages from her assuring me that she is still with me.

But then I found a memory card, was looking through the photos and there she was, my dad next to her crying, saying his final goodbyes.

Now I am a freaking mess. I feel lonely and sad and lost again.

I am suppose to be the funny one, making people laugh. Helping everyone with whatever it is they are going through. I play this tough roll but deep inside I feel I am taking so many steps back that I am fucking scared I am going back to that darkness that just takes hold and i am scared.

The holidays are coming. She died on Thanksgiving, I hate this. We talked on the phone about how she was mad that my man wasn’t going to stuff the turkey.

I am a fucking mess today.