Sorry this is long but I have nobody else that may possibly just listen/read and give me some advice and/or encouragement.
Feeling very crappy tonight 😔
I was an as$hole mom today well.. .. Maybe the last several days. That’s how I feel anyway.
I have been spending most of my days for the last 2 months endlessly trying to get my house in order. It feels impossible. My body just will not allow it. I have only half of the energy as I did before I was shot. I’ve always had depression but now it’s a multitude of PTSD symptoms and chronic, constant burning, tight pain in my face. All day, every day with no hope of it ever getting better.
My 3 yr old can destroy an entire room.. .. Or 5 in 2 minutes. (Not kidding. She is a red head if that helps.) I have 4 children 13, 10, 7, and 3.
My oldest is a boy the rest are girls.
Each have 1 chore to do and they are also supposed to keep their rooms and their bathroom reasonable clean. This is apparently too much to ask. Everyday it’s a battle with me asking them 5 or more times to do said chores. They will literally walk over clothes, toys, shoes or whatever happens to be throw about. Yesterday I was moving furniture, washing walls and windows and shampooing carpets. They all sat on the couch on their phones never once asking if I may need some help. Then they started fight and knocked over a can of soda on the carpet I had just cleaned. I lost it and just ordered them to start cleaning up. I wasn’t nice. My 7 yr old is sensitive and went crying to her room. I felt like crap. I cried that night.
Today she went with me to the post office. On the way she held my hand and said “Mama you are the best mom. You are my favorite person ever. ” I said, I wasn’t so sure of that becuz I’m always yelling. She said well only to make us do our chores. That made my heart happy and I told myself I was not yelling today.
Back home I started dinner, had to have a short meeting with a family for one of our puppies, and had a mound of clothes needing folded and put away. I went in the kids bathroom to get the rest of their dirty laundry. It was a HUGE mess. Idk how it’s even possible. I gave up asking them to do it. Told myself just be calm and clean it yourself. Then all my cleaning rags were gone as well as my comet cleaner. It is supposed to be in up on a shelf so my 3yr d cannot get it. My 7 yr old had moved it to clean a few days ago but it wasn’t where she moved it. So the search was on. I get frustrated looking for things. Still trying to be calm. Then I found it. In my 7 yr olds room. My 3yr old hand dusted the entire room and bed 🤦♀️.
That was it. I’ve told them at least 100 times to NOT leave anything like that any where she could reach it. Not only for safety reasons but because she has done this before.
I yelled.. . a lot. “Why can you not put stuff back!? ” “You know she gets into everything. ” “I’ve had it with trying to clean this house, it’s impossible becuz you all will not help me.! ! ” They do help but I have to completely lose my $hit before they will.
My 7 yr old said, “It’s not my fault mommy I was just trying to help clean our bathroom, u r not my favorite person anymore. ” Then cried again.
😭😭😭😭😭😭 I cried myself to sleep.
I feel awful now. I feel awful everytime I yell at them. I keep thinking what if that’s the last thing they remember about me.. . Or the only thing. What if something happens to them. What if I never get to fix this?
When I was shot 3 yrs ago the scariest thing was that if I died my kids wouldn’t have the person that loves them the most anymore. That feeling was what made me fight to live. Not my life flashing before me. Just that feeling. My kids need me. I need my kids. I cannot die and leave them. They are the reason I opened my eyes and lived. They are the reason I went against my doctors wishes and left the hospital 12 days later. My ex would not bring them to see me. So I left to see them. I left in a lot of pain, my mouth wired shut, pregnant with 2 bullet holes and barely being able to swallow.
So why in the world can I not get through 1 day without being an as$hole mom and yelling at them. 😭😭😭😭😭