My estranged father has been stalking me for the past 10 years and his toxic/narcissitic nature has been truly revealed to me. I had always kinda brushed it off and not wanted to bother the police as it felt low level. But this week things have reached a peak and I’ve signed myself off work sick for a few days.
My mother stopped his visitation when I was 8. I remember myself him repeatedly not turning up when he’d promised to take me out. She told me she didn’t think it was fair on me but when I was older I could have his address if I want contact. He had never paid a penny towards me and my mum never pursued child support, and she was sick and disabled in the end and life was a struggle as single mum. She died when I was 18 of cancer.
I wrote to my father when I was 30. I immediately felt uncomfortable as we exchanged letters. I’d told him I was engaged and he declared he will be giving me away, when I hadn’t asked and we hadn’t even met. He gave me his phone number and I said I’d call him. But he wouldn’t wait and after two days he found my work phone number and called me. I chatted for a few mins but told him I really couldn’t take personal calls at work. He called two days later and began asking a colleague questions about me. That’s the very first time I felt this is someone who will not respect my personal boundaries. He then sent me a very very long intense FB message, and then before I’d had a chance to reply, another long one the next day. He actually told me I didn’t reply quick enough for him and it was unfair as he sat all day looking at my social media pages waiting for me to post.
He has always written stuff like “I love you more with every breathe I take” which frankly has creeped me out.
He did this for 8 days, talking AT me. Overwhelmed, I didn’t reply. Eventually he said “Facebook doesn’t work for us” and unfriended me. I sent him a reply saying as politely as I could that I didn’t feel we clicked and thought it was for the best we moved on and wished him the best. I felt relief.
Within months he was back in contact. I felt my gut was telling me this didn’t feel right but I also felt guilty thinking he’s an elderly man who must be lonely. I caved and spoke to him again, stressing that I would only meet him if we chat for a while and things were more light hearted and less pressured. But he couldn’t help himself…and he slipped into slagging my mother off for denying him his child, playing the victim (he has a similar tale of woe with first wife and son). I said right stop there, you are not rewriting history. You were the one who messed up when I was a kid and I can only forgive you if you own that.
I backed away. Eventually he apologised. Said I was right and it was the biggest regret of his life. We talk again, but something else hits me…. in two years now of on and off contact, he’d not ONCE asked how are you? I volunteered information, told him about my job, an illness I had etc. Never once asked anything about my illness. I’d go on holiday he’d never even say how was your holiday? Messages were all about him. I thought right too many alarm bells and told him (again super sensitively) I wanted no contact.
For the last 8/9 years he’s messaged me on average once every two months. I block his account and he sets up another. He contacts my colleagues and my new boyfriends. He finds my new details when I change jobs. I used to organise public events and he would tell me he knew about them, and I was always looking over my shoulder expecting him to turn up. The manipulation was vile. He once said “I just think you should allow me to be close to you in case you get sick from your illness, I’ll take care of you and you don’t want to be all alone”.
I largely ignored. Now again I would unblock him and try to reason with him (explaining why I didn’t want him in my life, trying to give him closure). A couple of times the stress got to me and I’ve told him to fuck off. Two years ago he was messaging me weekly and I told him to fuck off and went to the police and blocked him. They warned him to not contact me. They then came round to mine the next day and said he had made a harassment complaint against me and they gave me a warning!
Well I kinda lost faith in the police then. Thought right I’ll just ignore and block. Done that for two years and the messages have kept coming. A few weeks ago he messaged my new boyfriend. I snapped unblocked him and raged at him. I asked why he can’t see I have a right to not have contact and he just replied I wrote to HIM, and he still has the letter. So because I wrote to him 10 years ago I have no right to change my mind.
Now I’ve experienced full narcissistic rage. He has posted absolute lies on his FB page about both my mother and me. Says my mother tricked him, he slept with her once but he knows my father is really a man called Ian (a married friend of my mum’s, she was also friends with his wife for many years) and he was used as a cover. Then she cruelly snatched his child away from him and moved to a “secret address” (er, 7 miles away and we were always in the phone book!).
Then I got in touch and I was a gold digger who was only after his money. I’ve raged at him and blocked him because he can’t offer me money! (When I wrote to him 10 years ago it was the same address he was at in the 80s and I knew it was a council house and he had no money). We literally have never discussed his assets or lack of them. And I have my own house and decent job!
I have blocked him and called the police. I’m concerned he’s vengeful wanting me arrested and worried the police aren’t taking this seriously in having warned me before. He’s contacted me easily 200 times after being asked not to. How can I be warned just because a few times I’ve replied fuck off. I suppose I have to be very careful now and log/screenshot everything and not respond at all and report every single breach.
I don’t want this to go on another 10 years. This is a depressing part of my life I just want to be allowed to forget and to move on from. A narcissist won’t let you ignore them. They’ll say anything for attention, even negative.
One good thing to come from this week is having seen his blatant evil lies and I feel no guilt for not allowing him into my life. I did feel guilty, I thought he’s an lonely elderly man I’m his daughter I should give him a chance. But now I know was right to trust my insticts/gut feeling. How dare he be a dead beat father when I was little, and now feel he’s entitled to a daughter’s affections now all the hard work of raising me is done, and since it’s not been forthcoming he’ll try to rewrite history painting my mother to be the baddie and him the victim!
Everyone has a right to not let someone in their life they don’t want. I’m going to enforce that right now legally.